[Blog] - Another New York Moment

Another New York moment tonight...

Riding the subway home from work I was suddenly super conscious of the rhythm of the train. How you can almost anticipate the moment it will start moving again once stopped because you feel that slight jerk in machinery as the brakes release right before the engine starts again. And it feels like anxiety. - Maybe it’s because I was reading a quote about OCD. Or because in the middle of a medication change I often gravitate between stages of coasting, and feeling like I’m coming unhinged; so there’s this pretty relentless whirlwind in my head on any given day, like today. And it feels like the chaos of this city would, or should amplify that feeling.

But I get off at my stop at 103rd st, and there’s suddenly this calm because I know I’m almost home. And I know I can look up at the sky and see the moon if my breathing gets hard or my heart starts racing, and it will remind me that the world isn’t logical. It’s a song. And it ebbs and flows. And sometimes in that moonlight the sidewalk sparkles, and you don’t really care if it’s actually just old spit or a spilled drink. Because it’s sparkling all the same. It’s evidence of life. On this tiny dot suspended in a sunbeam. - And I’ve come to learn that when I’m feeling anxious, the night sky becomes a sort of weighted blanket. So I push myself to get out under it and go for a run (because I’m crazy and am training to run a triathlon). I hate running. At least that’s what I’ve told myself for years. But, in the immortal words of Janis Joplin, “You keep going and you don’t stop.” So I go.

I pass by my neighbor The Cathedral Church of St. John the Divine - over 120 years old and also the largest cathedral in the world. Why didn't I know that? But by the time I'm done wondering, I'm already running across the campus at Columbia University and “I wanna dance with somebody” by Whitney Houston is playing in my headphones. So I’m dancing while running. And there are bounce houses on campus because there's a new student orientation, and I'm remembering my own freshmen year of college and imagining what a ride those students have ahead of them. And I keep running. Until I’m running south in Riverside Park, running alongside the Hudson River as “Ocean Avenue” starts playing (yes, the song by Yellow Card). And it's making me laugh as I'm trying to breathe because it's perfect, and I’m passing other runners who are in their own worlds as well, listening to their own cinematic playlists watching the world go by. - Soon my music ends, and while waiting for the next song to start, I can suddenly hear my breathing in my ears. I sound like I’m dying. But I can also hear the crickets. And see the fireflies. And theres the moon again. And my anxiety is gone (for now). And train rhythm has become jogging rhythm. And I'm remembering that I'm running up and down streets where Jack Kerouac, and F. Scott Fitzgerald, and Harry Houdini once lived and worked and maybe even ran themselves. And this high carries me home to my apartment.

And then I have this strange thought... Maybe I don't hate running. I mean, I don't love it yet. But I do love New York City.